it’s cold out.

It’s freezing cold out. I can see the buildings disappearing in the distance in the pregnant, cold air. I check to see if I can see my own breath, it’s so fucking cold.
I’m walking about intent on wasting what’s left of the day. "Eleven" is playing and everything seems rather... peaceful.
I say that with an intended air of caution. So when there’s nothing to do, no one to be anxious about, cool weather and absolutely no noise, it could actually be peaceful around here? cool.
Now "Leaves from the Vine" comes on and I’m caught dead in my tracks staring at the very apex of the tree in front of me. My emotions sneak up on me so fast, I almost shed a tear. I’ve heard this so many times and know it by heart but I’m still always caught off guard when he says "Happy Birthday, my son". When the raw audio mixing throws the line in the midst of the hauntingly gorgeous instrumental. followed by the line: "if only I could have helped you" and a teary rendition of the actual song. I’m thrown back into the moment I first witnessed it and all the emotions around it.

The thing is, I made a playlist like this with soundtracks from Avatar: The Last Airbender, Stranger Things, and How To Train Your Dragon. Just some of the things that I care most about in this world that always seem to wring the emotions right out of me (I don’t think Olan Rogers ever took the time to put together a legit soundtrack for his TV Show "Final Space" and if he has I haven’t gotten around to it or maybe I wouldn’t be able to handle it)

I made the playlist for the simple purpose of reaching somewhere into my cold, dead heart. Because when it comes to me, "almost shed a tear" is as good as it gets

*"Eleven is Gone" starts playing*

I do this because I realize that when I’m in the right place and in this emotional space, I can be honest about my feelings.

So I’m really writing this because of you. Because my past experiences with you have taught me that the only way I win, is if I’m being honest (I haven’t won yet).

and if I'm being honest, I'm fuckin' frightened.

I’m here now. I’m doing everything I can to take down the barriers between us but I’m worried that just means that we’ll both be out of excuses. I’m worried that I’ll never be as good at making you laugh again and it’ll never feel the same again. I’m worried that I’ve fucked it forever with that one time that I made so many mistakes…

and I’m worried you done moved on.

It’s getting dark out now. I’m still walking in circles in the cold night because I feel walking in circles and peeking through my own soul in these florescent street lights would be better than sitting still and feeling my shit tighten. Right about now would be when I’d go buy and scarf down some food to keep my mind out of these spirals, but sapa don give boys Attitude Adjustment, so here we are.

About the playlist, I almost always seem to start it with "First Kiss" and I think I know why. I remember when it played. it was in the episode "The Upside Down" after "The Bathtub". Some man are off to fight creatures, some man off to storm secret government facilities and the kids are holed up in the middle school with unfathomable creatures, government agents and a crippling sense of uncertainty and helplessness out to kill them.

and then, these two characters have a moment.

the one bright spot in the middle of an absolutely incomprehensible and overwhelming shitstorm.

that's why.

I remember everything. Where I first saw you, where we first met, where we used to be, what we used to talk about, how we used to be and all the things I did. I remember everything, you know this is my curse.

I remember that you were the one bright spot in the shitstorm that is my life.

*"Eleven is Gone" has been playing for around 30 minutes now i don’t know if this is good for me*

I'm actually walking about, looking for somewhere new. a new spot. Looking to discover new places in somewhere I've been for 3 years because I remember everything and everything reminds me a little bit of you.

I remember when I first heard "Eleven is Gone" in the scene.

Now, I never had you. not once, not a day in my life. But I’m frightened I’ve lost you for good. More intensely now than all the other times when the fear grips every waking moment of my existence.

Then again maybe everything is okay, maybe it’s just cold out.

*"Eleven is Gone" stops playing*